Love letter

I lift eyes drowned in beer and hold your gaze

In my open palms. Guinness. The warm brown

Tea leaves I could never read, the maze

Of autumn poems dizzily floating down

The long cool drink into the parched throat -

The forbidden beverage. I look down into my glass.

“Give me your hand” and you gave it to me at last

But your eyes stared blankly ahead, far and remote.

I find their reflection in every eye I cross

And hunt all that vaguely resembles their shadow:

Ghosts of yours, pale rotting moss, brownish yellow –

I can only edge a finger over the line I cannot cross.

Afraid of losing everything in the rolling of a dice

I stand as still as the cliff, only looking from afar

And turning towards strangers for what little vice

I need for satisfaction. I roll down the window of the car

On the edge of the cliff as the waves crash down below,

And look at the sky for your passing shadow.

The clouds, the line I can never cross

The savage ocean, the foams which spurt and toss

Screaming the dreams of foreign nightmares –

A hundred goodbyes we never share – the time is much too late.

When will we see each other again – always a date

To walk side by side in sunny streets without holding hands

And lose our way among the milling bystanders.

As the cliffs crumbled into sands -

A century’s worth of waves in a single instant.

I never know when I will see you again –

Shreds of love letters ripped and crumpled

Nothing to be done - so be it. Amen.

Those waves devouring the beach below are dimpled

With the snowy pieces of  a thousand love letters.

A life of no broken bones but cracked hearts.

Cracked, cracked and leaking sanity -

As I hold you close my drunken child,

My lost bird, flying so dizzily,

Blindly brushing your soft feathers on my face

And me yearning to break those wings

To make you stay, stay in one place

Away from the pendulum which swings

And the earth relentlessly turning -

But they will tell me I told you so:

That you would not be the one to go

That I would be the one to fly away.

They threw your shadow into the limelight

And pointed to the line I must not cross

They point to the cliffs of your eyes so white,

The possible gain and and the more possible loss –

All I do is stare at those wings in your pupils

To fly away from time, those many angels

Looking out into the sea that shines

So I seize my crayon

And on the bar draw letters of wine -

Coffee eyes which were never mine

And in the depth of the beer filled prison

I drown to cross the line

And spill inspiration

No loose threads

A cloudy sun can become the moon

And a snowy summer change to winter.

So suddenly and much too soon

The coin flips from one face to another

And time tips from May to June.

Every loose thread must be tied,

And every word of silence said,

And every tear of regret cried

To leave without the dread

Of having been misunderstood.

I have walked the same rocky path as you,

Sister of heart and soul, and also lost my way

And those skies had never seemed so blue

And yet so dark every new day…

For time does not wait forever -

No button to replay

The endless questions with no answer.

Time can only wear away

The stones weighing in our hearts.

So let’s throw away the cross

We’ve carried in so much pain,

Free to live without the loss

And free to love without our brain.

Let’s treasure what is left of what we know,

For it will all change when we leave - 

A small death we celebrate although

There is no reason we should grieve –

Whatever happens, we will meet again.

Already the day has become dawn

And the night has vanished,

The cold days have all gone

With the times I used to cherish.

What to miss except what was before

And what to say except words of love.

We’ve picked each other up from the floor

Many times and climbed above

What we thought we could not climb.

Don’t miss what doesn’t come back

But make a flower of memory

In a crown until it becomes black.

Learn from it, until it crumbles slowly

And falls from your hair

So other flowers can grow boldly

And wave new perfumes in the air.

So cut all the strings and smile -

Pull out the loose threads, beloved sister,

You’ll see there is no stretch of time, or mile

That I can’t walk for us to be together.

Difficile

Dis quelque chose m’ont-ils dit, ne sois pas si amère,

J’ai ouvert la bouche mais je n’avais rien à dire.

J’ai fait un pas en avant qui n’était qu’un pas en arrière

Et ils essayaient vainement de me faire sourire.

Que s’est-il passé, m’ont-ils dit, parle nous -

Alors j’ai dit quelque mots pour le soulagement

De sentir qu’ils m’aimaient, ceux à qui je devais tout,

Mais c’était des mots bien vides de sens.

Puisque le passé se répète et que tout est fini

Et qu’en attendant une troisième renaissance

Ils ne trouveront dans les rares textes que j’écris,

Qu’un peu de dégoût, et de l’indifférence.

What we share

We half the morning and each take a square -

I take the blue sky and you snuggle close:

The warmth of the covers is yours of course,

The rest of the bed we like to share.

I want the cold draft from the window

To shake apart those shackles of sleep,

Break from the dreams where I’ve fallen too deep

And swim as flickering as minnows

We half it equally and share the morning -

Through half close eyes I take your breathing

As you’ve borrowed the voice from my throat.

Awake now you’ve taken it all away from me,

I only keep the morning in its cold and lonely -

So I get up wearily and put on my coat

On the edge of sleep

I often sit in front of a blank screen.

Half awake my head lulls, heavy and dense -

You suck my strength through stretches of silence

In sleepless nights and white flashes of dream.

Eyes closing, fading images of bliss

As slowly spring blossoms, and winter dies,

The sun sets too soon on snowy skies,

Feathers blown apart by a single kiss;

As Orpheus leads me to his chamber

And to questions which provide no answer,

Once again I lose touch with reality.

I search for dark when dawn starts breaking,

As glossy stars on the glass ceiling

Burn on the edge of eternity

From one point to another

Obsequious smiling flauntered and shown...

I promptly left the aimless socializing

And went out to walk alone

I wasn’t looking for anything,

Just that the world seemed so bland

And the sky so grey. In the café I walked in

People seemed from a foreign land

Speaking a different language. Strange

When one of them came up to shake my hand

An old classmate, disappeared in a whirl of change,

And I returned to my poem raising an eyebrow;

They were whispering but I was out of range.

I suddenly wish you were here and now,

An ache so deep it creeps under my pen

And I remember more than I would allow

You were one among many men -

Nothing special, and nothing serious either;

But I can only helplessly stare when

The black hole opens - frightening and near

Portrait #2

You escape me like the rain,
Like the sand between my toes,
Like those glass droplet
Running down the window.

As a dream you come and go,
Intangible, yet close and breathing
I try to walk on your tall shadow
But it is gone, already fleeing

The current in your shifty eyes
Is nowhere but anchored in me
For intangible short moments -
If only dreams could be reality

You say: leave me, there is no cure:
I've never been the one you know -
Forever going or planning to go,
Rushing into the uncertain future.

I said: then run and I will follow
Loving you is like loving sand or water -
But soon you will look back, realizing
You cannot run without me chasing.

Amsterdam

The narrow doll houses have opened their eyes

On the pink glow of silk underwear,

And hands griping phones with no sound

Hurry from one transparent room to another

When the curtain's drawn you walk on by,

On the paved street full of dark coats

And hushed whispers. Drunk voices cry

In a night full of magazine girls

We pick at fries drowned in orange sauce

And amble around, watching the show -

Throngs of bikes whizz past and go

Towards grasshoppers and sex shops

I look up into a mirror of bloodshot eyes -

Handles shake, they knock on the window

Of their aquarium, angel fish, and the guys

Hungrily stare from a distance

Peaceful dizziness of the clearest air -

Deep into the city's membrane,

I was beckoned by the smoothest purple skin.

So what if we miss that train

Portrait

There are sad drops of music in your eyes -

On the sidewalk I outlined your shadow in white.

Snatch the stars from the night before it dies,

I close my eyes to hold them tight -

Chalky spots beneath my eyelids

You have a baby crow's fluff for hair,

Love the quiet shadows and refuse the limelight.

We walk side by side on a deserted street and share

A bit of memory, so we can both look back

Into happy times.

You bury yourself into your sheets as if in a nest.

When the sun rises, your smile will disappear,

Too big for your face, and you'll snuggle near -

Smooth skin, eyelashes flickering

And you sleep deeply, barely breathing

Travelling

Your reflection swirls in the lurching of the train,

Face flooded by the running countryside,

Flecks of grey sky light up your face and die,

Freckled by the dripping rain

Later another train, the back of your head

Framing the scenery still escaping.

I grip the seat as if afraid of falling

As my heart fills up with dread

I catch your hand – we are together.

Your eyes are lost in your own elsewhere

As time swirls away with the scenery

Nothing stands as minutes flow by -

I look out into the cloudy sky

And I hold on to you – you dissolving just as swiftly

You have not disappeared yet (in memory of r.d)

Today the sun shines red on downcast eyes

Staring at clasped hands of silence.

Someone sniffles, another quietly cries,

We avoid each other, quiet and tense

With the lid of grief on heavy eyelids.

Blank and hard faces of sadness,

Gripping us in sleeves of black.

Yesterday we were so careless...

Unsaid words take us back

Into gulfs of singing thoughts.

You have not disappeared yet -

These words go through our heavy hellos.

Bees in black and yellow

Humming for you to come back.

You have not disappeared yet!

To the lock you’ve given us so many keys

As the campus grows quiet

In its living memories,

You have not disappeared yet.

Moments of peace

A languorous late afternoon as we pause

In a life full of troubles for a moment of leisure...

On the Normandy beach we settle, and quietly chatter

Under a distant sun draped with pale gauze

The wooden planks on my back, my head on your thigh,

I close my eyes to hold the fugacious serenity

Which already struggles and strains to escape me,

As thoughts about nothing dissolve in the sky

Dreams as numerous as pebbles in the murmurous light -

You play carelessly with your camera, some are flying a kite,

The ineffable peacefulness, end of the day

I stay awake with the waves cuddled against me,

The wind in my ears blowing a mindless melody

And on my watch the seconds ticking away

For those who know

I feel like a chair in your kitchen

As hard and sullen as wood...

And yet your house is a safe haven;

I come often - don’t know if I should

Everytime I leave pumped up to feel good

Or at least better than when I first trailed in,

And yet I am drained, drained my friend.

Tired of staying the same

And tired of endless wanderings

In one’s own head…

Tell me of other things instead

My heart looks like the pancake

Round and white you made for me.

Piping hot in the porcelain plate

In an hour cold and lonely -

I don’t feel like eating

Sitting in this warm room,

Just want to cry.

But I stay silent because there is no word

For why I’m here.

Only hug me as hard as my brother

Used to hug me,

To protect me from any hurt

And all that I can't show.

What would I do without those who know?

To cry again against your shirt

But also to laugh till tears and draw

Funny pictures of all our friends

As the night vanishes between my hands

And I smile without meaning to

Who am I

I come on tiptoe when you want me the least

And bury myself in the depths of your spine.

I flow on your skin, fill every crease

Until you’ve become completely mine.

I am the ice cube in your stomach

When you suddenly decide to drink

And the heavy feeling that you tuck in bed when you go to sleep.

You forget me until I grip your heart again –

Laugh and mask it all behind the blinding smile,

I am what makes you doubt whether

You are alive at all.

In your path I put walls to remind you of my presence

And every hour of the day I paint your world in grey

So you can’t possibly ignore my existence

I go right to your weakness and twist your arms behind your back

Stab you with spleen until your facades crack

I am the timeless curse running through your blood

From more you should always choose less

Did you ever deserve anything you had?

Have you ever done anything by choice…

It’s so easy to make you sad

And you don’t even contradict me

I am the helplessness of having a lock without a key

You rave about life when you know very well

The only problem is you being an empty shell

I am what makes you cry

I come to you with every twilight

And you meet me, your very own darkness

Your eternal curse, recurrent sickness

I am what makes you write.

Selfish

You asked what was the matter and I pushed your hand away.

So weak in a moment of recurring memories,

But so weak I wanted to be strong.

Your hand came out of the darkness and I pushed it away

You showed me the sun and I chose to look down

Down into a heart of boredom where dreams

Fall and grow heavy with time

And cloud over when I refuse to see the sun

I smiled to show that I was all right and cried when you couldn't see,

Selfish tears of feeling sorry for myself,

The lonely tears of the one in the crowd

Who cannot be contented by a smile

I fought it like you told me too

And hid it under layers of laughs,

It came back like the bad weather

It came back despite your care

You pointed out the star in the night and I looked at you instead

And thought of all that had been lost and all that I had missed,

You joked and held my hand and did everything

Everything but in the end I still managed to feel unwanted

Déjà oubliée

Lorsque je rentre le pas vide et la tête tourneboulée,

La lune pâle me fait un clin d'oeil doux

Mais je soupire ailleurs et partout -

J'aime peut-être trop et jamais assez

Impossible d'expliquer pourquoi le ciel est si grand

Et pourquoi je détourne le regard...

Il fait beau ce soir pourtant!

Le pringtemps est arrivé sans crier gare

Mes pas ne laissent aucunes empreintes sur la chaussée.

Pareilles à elles je serai vite oubliée,

Qui sait si c'est une fin ou un nouveau départ

Une partie de moi a déjà disparue,

Perdue à jamais dans le béton noir de ces rues -

Peut-être me retrouverai-je enfin quelque part 

Was it a dream

We are songs away and miles together.

In my mind a blurry heartache -

In blinks of dreamy days I wonder

Memories of tears or even anger

Fade so quickly with the daybreak.

We are songs away and miles together.

If I forget will you remember -

Is there anything you gave I forgot to take.

In blinks of dreamy days I wonder.

Hazy love carried by a slow river,

Pooling in my heart like a shallow lake.

We are songs away and miles together.

Sometimes you're the same, sometimes another.

Perhaps it's just the story that I make -

In blinks of dreamy days I wonder

Strange that without you I should wake -

We are songs apart and miles together.

In dreamy days I endlessly wander

Un peu de lumière

Seule je pars et seule je vis

Comme une étincelle dans le néant

Perdue dans cet immense océan

Ballotée par les vagues évitant les récifs

Donnez moi un peu plus de lumière

Lorsqu'on se retrouve seule dans le noir

Acculée par une peur incompréhensible

Marchant sur un fil en équilibre

Et l'obscurité de toute part

Donnez moi un peu plus de lumière

Je n'en demanderai pas trop

Juste de quoi allumer une bougie

Venez donc vers moi mes amis

Près de vous il fait plus chaud

Donnez moi un peu plus de lumière

Tu n'es rien qu'obscurité

Je tremblais de froid dans tes mains

Aveugle et glacée

Incapable de rien, de parler, de me taire

Et pour guérir, c'est pourquoi

Doucement, du bout des doigts

Je veux vous voler un peu plus de lumière 

Reste cette nuit

Reste cette nuit, ne me laisse pas seule

Lorsque l'obscurité tombe comme un drap aux mille mains de souvenirs...

Il est tard mais ne pars pas

Reste seulement cette nuit,

Parle pour que je ne pense plus aux monstres du soir.

Ils ne sont plus les ombres qu'ils étaients

Lorsque j'étais enfants,

Ils se sont coagulés en une terreur intense

Un noir d'encre qui me parait si dense

Que je ne vois plus mon âme que très loin au fond

Comme les ailes d'un papillon

Qui se serait noyé.

Reste cette nuit ne me laisse pas seule

Ne sais-tu pas que j'ai perdu le sommeil

Que le moindre bruit de pas me réveille

Comme un rappel du fond des temps.

Reste pour qu'enfin je puisse voir arriver le matin

Non pas avec soulagement

Mais avec la peur de te voir partir

De te voir tourner le dos dans un sourire

Et t'en aller lentement.

Reste cette nuit, ne me laisse pas seule

Reste et dors à mes côtés

Pour que j'arrive à respirer

Dans cet affreux silence.

La nuit ne sera plus si immense,

Si lourde sur mes yeux grands ouverts.

Prête moi ta chaleur et serre

Mes doigts et mes mains crispées,

Tout mon corps qui tremble de terreur

Serre-moi dans tes bras, je veux être serrée

Jusqu'à en avoir mal au coeur.

Reste cette nuit, ne me laisse pas seule

Ne me laisse pas, je ne peux plus supporter

Ce courant d'air malsain et glacé

Qui me saisit par derrière, sans prévenir

Et me murmure à l'oreille dans un soupir

De damné - non! Reste et chasse le

Tiens moi fort, caresse moi les cheveux,

Reste et assieds toi dans le fauteuil

Je t'offre le couvert et puis le gîte

Reste, reste, ne me laisse pas seule

Près de toi la nuit meurt plus vite